I will resume my birthday posts as soon as I possibly can. I just felt that I needed to write, since it has been way too freaking long since I updated.
I have so much to tell you. Olivia and Sophia are growing and thriving so much! Both are doing well in school (3rd & 1st graders), they are Girl Scouts (a Brownie AND a Daisy), and they are constantly growing and changing–amusing and surprising me daily. I am really the luckiest mama ever– even when they drive me bonkers.
I am so crazily in love with Curtis–he is the smartest, kindest, sweetest, most considerate and loving man I have ever met, and we are close to our 2-year anniversary. We moved in together about a year ago (yes, it was quick), but it was the best decision I could have made. We lucked out big time and have a really beautiful home. I love my job, and have the most fantastic group of friends a girl could ask for. They are my tribe, and I am so thankful they take me as I am and don’t expect anything more or less. They are my Framily. I am mostly healthy–still working on keeping my anxiety and depression under control, but overall–life is AMAZING.
I used to think that no one wanted to read that stuff–the good things, because pain=the good writing. But I think that was the pessimistic, sad, depressed, YOUNG me. I now realize that I don’t care if you want to read it. I want to write it. I am not writing for anyone but me, and maybe for the girls to one day read. If others want to read–bonus! But, ultimately, I’m okay if I don’t have hundreds of readers.
I think I got so scared to write stuff down because I was afraid that it would blow up in my face and I would feel so stupid after–history repeating itself. However, I know my heart, and my feelings are pure when I write them down, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. I shouldn’t feel like a fool because I am honest about my feelings.
I am starting to accept who I am. I am Natalie: I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love with my whole heart, fully, completely, and unabashedly. While I am still very naive and want to believe the best about people, I’m wiser now, and have been more cautious with my heart. I am an over-sharer, I talk way too much, I over-explain and I over-extend myself. I have volunteer-itis, major anxiety and I talk to myself more than I would like to admit. I am not 100% happy with my physical self, but I am a work in progress and I am striving to be a body-positive role model for my girls (I think I am doing an okay job). I am learning boundaries, working on repairing relationships or distancing myself from toxic ones.
This is who I am. And I really really like me. I am finally at a place where I can say: I love me. I am beautiful, I am strong, I am a fighter and I am taking care of myself.
When I fell in love with Curtis, it was unlike anything I had ever felt, and I only hope everyone feels this way about their partner. He isn’t my first love–but I feel with my whole heart he is my “last” love. We weren’t ready for that love until two years ago. I would go through everything all over again if I had to, as long as I knew I would end up exactly where I am right now.
I mentioned previously how I would never “love like that” again when I was in the middle of all the shit I went through. This is still true. I never want my girls to doubt that I loved their daddy, because I did. SO very much. I never thought I would be in love again, the chance of getting hurt was so high and it scared me. Curtis snuck up on me, and neither of us intended to fall in love. But we did. And I love Curtis in such a deeper, healthier way. It is unlike anything I have ever felt, the way he looks at me, the way he speaks to me, how he loves me is beyond anything I ever imagined I would feel. For the first time in my life, I am in a healthy, equal, ADULT relationship. And no matter what happens (which, I don’t think either of us are going anywhere), I will never be ashamed of that statement. He loves and cares for Olivia and Sophia like they are his own children. While they do still have a relationship with their father, something I am thankful for, and they may never call Curtis “daddy”, that is the role he plays in their day to day life. He is an amazing daddy too, and they love him…hard.
I’m so glad he snuck up on me and asked me out on a second date 🙂 I am so glad I didn’t close my heart, or give up on love entirely.
I don’t plan on giving up on writing either. So, stay tuned. I’m not making promises, but the good stuff is important to document. The little things still matter.