I keep telling myself that I need to sit down and just do it. Just write and hit post. But, I still struggle with it. I have a million and one things I want to write about, some personal, some kid-related, some just random shit I notice. But, I still have a hard time.
Because right now I am still very raw and vulnerable and I don’t want to write something I can’t take back. Because I know how important words are. I know how they sting, how they cut to the core, and how sometimes you can’t undo the hurt that words have done. No matter how much you try.
This happened to me recently. I’m kind of reluctant to write about it, because it is so new, I’ll be as vague as possible–But I want to write about it because I finally realized my trigger and I think it’s an important growth for me.
I’m very nice. Very. To a fault. I love with an open heart and I will do pretty much anything for you if you ask, sometimes at the expense of myself. I’m a bleeding heart and have a very hard time saying no (which has lead me to do some things that…well, at least I can laugh about them now). I am always quick to forgive, and mostly forget (which, I know is not necessarily a good thing–I’m working on it).
In fact, in the past…(almost) 18 months, I pretty much went down a path I never thought I would in the “forgetting and forgiving” area and was willing to do things I always told other people to NEVER do…but that’s a post for another time.
An incident occurred (which again, is not very relevant to the story, but will be its own post eventually), and another person said some things to me that were very hurtful and that I will never be able to forget. And perhaps, to that person, the things were said in the heat of the moment, and without realizing how they could cut.
“But what, dear Natalie, could someone have possibly said to make you feel this way?” You may be asking yourself.
Without actually quoting the words, suffice it to say my parenting skills and my knowledge of what true friendship was all about were called into question.
That, my friends…cut me deeper than I ever thought possible.
See, I don’t have the ultimate, egotistical confidence about many things. I sometimes doubt my photography, my writing, my cooking, my looks…I have SO much doubt about so many things, but there are two things I never, EVER call into question: that I am a fucking AMAZING mother and that I am a pretty damn decent friend when at all possible (granted, I’ve been kind of shitty at it the past 18 months, but I think most of my friends are letting me slide).
So. To have someone call into question those things…well, it crushed me. I obsessed over it, I cried a bit, I was upset.
And then…I laughed.
Actually, I started laughing pretty hysterically.
And after I was done catching my breath?
I laughed some more.
Because, I realized, that I was still a fucking AMAZING mother. I was still a pretty damned decent friend, but…BUT….maybe not to that person. And that’s okay.
You can’t please everyone all the time. I’m doing the best I can with what I have. And I’m pretty proud of that.
I will always care for that person, and I hope one day it doesn’t hurt so much, and if that person is reading this: I’m not hiding behind my blog, I’m not afraid to tell you these words…I just shouldn’t have to.